The Frontier's Dumbest
by Lavernius Tucker The Aqua Man
Summary: (A two-chapter oneshot that may become a series.) Ohio, Idaho, and Iowa knew they were in for a wild ride when they decided to join the Adventurer's Guild. But with the help of some rather famous colorful soldiers, it just got a whole lot wilder.
1. Chapter 1

**Heyo, been a while, hasn't it? I'm still working on other chapters, but I've also been working on this as a side project. It's a two-chapter oneshot that may become a series if you, dear reader, are so inclined for me to do so.**

"The Adventurer's Guild. Oh, yeah, baby. You made it. You're finally with the best of the best."

The girl, brunette hair and red eyes shining, looking at the building in question. She started walking into the building.

"Yes, you...are finally the best, baby. Oh, yeah, you are finally the best around. Nothing's ever gonna bring you down!" She said, walking over to the desk.

"HI OHIO!" The girl at the desk and the girl walking over jumped.

"WAAH! Jesus Christ, Iowa! You don't have to yell!" Ohio scolded the helmeted man.

"SOMETIMES I FORGET - oh, uh, sometimes I forget how to talk with these helmets on." He said in a slurred voice.

"Hello, Ohio! Today's the big day, isn't it?" The girl at the desk asked.

Ohio turned to her. "Yep! We're finally old enough."

"Wonderful!" The girl at the desk exclaimed. "I hope you will do great in our Guild!"

Ohio turned to Iowa. "You just have to talk. You don't have to do anything different."

A man with blue armor and white stripes on approached. "Come on, lay off, Ohio. You know he hasn't been the same since that incident with the caravan guard."

"It wasn't a big deal."

"You caught on fire!" The man exclaimed.

Guild Girl looked at Iowa with concern.

"I-I was fine…"

"For twenty minutes?" Ohio chimed in.

"Oh dear! That sounds terrible!" Guild Girl said.

"But I got the best record for being on fire without dying!" Iowa remarked.

"Congratulations. You're real adventurer material." Ohio deadpanned. "Now then, uh, Idaho is here, so I guess we're all set."

"Well, well, well. Look who came crawling over."

The three turned to see Heavy Knight walking over with his partner, Female Knight.

"Shit. Not these guys." Idaho whispered.

"Never thought I'd see the day the Triplets decided to become adventurers." Female Knight said snarkily. "What's the matter, caravan guard was too much?"

"Oh, no, Female Knight. We...uh...we just wanted to join so we could become amazing adventurers like you and Heavy Knight!" Ohio replied.

"Hmph." Heavy Knight huffed. "Well, hope you don't get eaten by a sewer rat. Almost." He walked away with Female Knight, leaving the trio behind. "It'll be nice to have someone else clean my gear for a change."

Guild Girl glared at Heavy Knight's back. "Don't listen to them. They like to do that to new adventurers."

"Why do people keep calling us the Triplets?" Iowa asked. "We're not even related."

"I guess its a nickname." Idaho said.

"Ohhhkay, I'm all set with the paperwork." Ohio told her, giving her the paper.

"Excellent! And now here's your tags!" Guild Girl said, handing out the porcelain adventure tags.

"Yes! Finally!" Ohio cheered. "Come on, guys. Let's go see what our first quest will be!"

A brown-haired girl next to her smiled. "I'm glad they finally became adventurers."

"Me too. It's been years in the making. The Triplets will do great, I have no worries." Guild Girl replied.

"Sooo...which one should we pick?" Ohio asked.

"Oh! Five quests you would least expect to be on the board!" Idaho said to Iowa. "Go!"

"Oh, okay, uh...plumbing jobs!"

"One!"

Ohio rolled her eyes. "Guys, can we please focus and pick a quest?"

"You pick one out. We'll do our thing." Iowa told her. "Helping someone move!"

"Two!"

"Hmm...okay. I guess we'll go kill some sewer rats for the Governor." Ohio said, picking up one of the papers.

"Oh! Oh! Marriage counseling!"

"Three!"

"Uhhh, Damn, I can't think of anything else." Iowa cursed. "Ohio, help me out here?"

Ohio shook her head and smiled. "You guys...never change, do you?"

"Nope!" Iowa replied.

"After all we went through with Project Freelancer, getting teleported to another world, but much, much, younger, joining the Town guard, getting kicked out of that, joining the caravan guards, then getting kicked out of that, and finally here." She said, her eyes glistening. "I just wanna say...I'm glad you guys are still the same bunch of idiots."

"Aww, that's sweet, Ohio! You haven't changed much either!" Idaho told her.

Ohio quickly wiped the watery substance out of her eyes. She then put back on her Blue-and-pink helmet.

"Alligator wrestling and babysitting."

"Oooh! Four and Five!" Idaho remarked.

"Score one for me." Ohio said smirking.

"But I gave three!" Iowa complained.

"Yeah, but I finished the list, so the point goes to me." Ohio told him.

"Since when did we make that a rule?" Iowa asked in his stuttering voice.

"Oh-hoh-ho!" A proud voice called over to them.

"Hi, Swordman!" Iowa greeted.

"It's Spearman." The man in question corrected.

"Dammit. I knew I was missing some letters." Iowa cursed.

"You were missing an entire word." Ohio told him.

"Hey! It's hard to remember all these names, okay?" Iowa exclaimed.

"You...Remember my name?" A woman asked him, walking over.

"Uhh...I think it was uhh...S-Sorceress?" Iowa replied. He was pretty thankful that his helmet was covering his flustered face.

"A...very educated guess...Witch." The woman said with an amused smile.

"Oh...sorry."

"It's fine. So...you are now...adventurers?" Witch asked.

"Yep. It's official!" Idaho said. "Oh, five things you would want to bring with you, if you had to survive in the wild, go!"

"Idaho…" Ohio groaned, putting a hand to her head.

"A TV."

"One."

"Well...I can see you are...busy with...whatever that thing...you do is." Witch said. "Congratulations. Welcome to the Guild."

"Thanks." Ohio sighed unenthusiastically. "Hopefully we last longer here than we did in the caravan guard."

"A fridge filled with Sunny-D."

"Two!"

"You have...nothing to worry...about." Witch reassured her. "It is nearly...impossible to get...kicked out of...the Guild. You'd...have to try."

"A lava lamp!"

"Three!"

"Knowing us, we're gonna find a way before the fucking sun sets." Ohio muttered.

"Ohio, you leave yourself...out of your own credit...where it is due." Witch said, putting an ivory hand on her shoulder. "Do not concern...yourself with your...past, lest it...hold you back."

"Thanks, Spell-I mean Witch, goddamnit." Ohio replied.

Witch let out a rare chuckle. "It may also help...to learn names." She rose from her seat and walked away.

"A water canteen...and a sleeping bag." Witch said to them as she walked.

"Huh?" Ohio asked.

"That...game you always play...I think I understand it now...you simply say...a word in relation...to the topic…"

"Four and Five, nice." Idaho said.

"Aww, I was gonna get that one." Iowa sulked.

"You'll have plenty of chances, I'm sure." Spearman told him. "See ya."

"Five foods that go good with-"

"Guys...can we please hold it with five things for 5 minutes?" Ohio pleaded.

"Oh...Okay…" Iowa said.

"You sure you ready to do this, Ohio?" Idaho asked.

"Yep. Remember, the Guild was so kind to let us stay in one of their rooms for so long, we should return the favor. And kick ass along the way."

"I like the kick ass part more than the returning favor part." Idaho said.

"Same." Iowa agreed.

"Alright, let's go." Ohio said.

No one moved.

"Uhh...Why aren't we walking over to the desk?" Iowa asked.

"Umm...I don't know." Ohio replied. "Okay, okay, here we go."

….

"We're still not moving…" Idaho said.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, can you two idiots seriously not learn to walk together? Single file, Iowa, take lead!" Ohio exclaimed.

While they had been the worst of Project Freelancer, the Triplets still retained much of UNSC discipline and drill tactics.

Iowa moved in front. Ohio took middle. Idaho went in back.

"Guys, today, we're gonna start our adventure. Everything we learned from Project Freelancer, the Town guard, the caravan guards, all of that, we need to put to use for once. And remember what the Councillor said: We work best...together!"

Iowa and Idaho looked at each other.

"But...we didn't really learn anything, except more ways for us to suck." Idaho said.

"Op! Okay, maybe, maybe, good point." Ohio replied. "But the point is, we've been through so much. And the reason that we've been able to get through all of it, is because we sucked together as a team!"

"To sucking!" Iowa cheered.

"That's the spirit, Iowa!" Ohio exclaimed. "Ready, march!"

They walked over to the desk, noticing Guild Girl, who was talking to a girl with red hair and a man in armor standing next to her.

Iowa walked over to the desk.

"HI! WE'D LIKE THIS ONE!" He shouted, startling the red-headed girl and Guild Girl.

"Iowa!" Ohio scolded. "What have I told you about butting into conversations?"

"OH! SORRY!" Iowa yelled.

"Stop shouting!" Idaho and Ohio exclaimed.

"Oh...uh...sorry…"

Guild Girl smiled. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."

She turned to the red-headed girl. "Thank you for waiting. If you'd like, please have some tea!"

The red-headed girl smiled. "I'll take you up on your offer." She walked over to the counter behind them.

"Sorry about that." Ohio apologized. "Iowa's...a little slow."

"Hey, I said you were fine." Guild Girl replied. "It's just part of his charm."

"Yeah, but I have a feeling _she_ doesn't know that." Ohio told her, gesturing to the red-head.

"Oh, don't you worry. Cow Girl isn't by any means put off by something like that." Guild Girl reassured Ohio. "So, sewer rats it is?"

"Out of the way, Triplets." A man said, brushing past them. "Any troll quests?"

"Uhh, hey!" Ohio exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, we're currently out of troll quests…" Guild Girl replied, winking at the trio. "We do have some goblin quests though."

"Goblins?" The man sneered. "There's no profit in hunting goblins. Just give it to someone like the Triplets."

He walked away. "Maybe if we're lucky, they won't come back."

"What a dick." Idaho remarked.

"You better hope he didn't hear that." Iowa stuttered.

"Please, disregard those people." Guild Girl said, sighing. "Now then, sewer rats?"

"Right." Ohio replied.

"Did you say goblins?" The armored figure asked.

"Holy shit!" Ohio squealed in surprise.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to barge in." He said.

"Oh, n-no! That's fine. I just didn't notice you." Ohio replied, rubbing the back of her neck.

"I see."

"Hey, Guild Girl?" Iowa asked.

"Hmm?"

"Why are they called sewer rats if they're in a cave?" Iowa said.

"I...don't know actually." Guild Girl replied, scratching her chin. "Here you are, all set."

"Cool. Should we go now?" Ohio said to her teammates.

"I need to grab my rifle and some extra rounds. Hang on." Idaho told her, walking away.

"Save some for the rest of us, we need to get through this week without having to visit the pelican again." She replied.

"Sure thing."

"I'm gonna go apologize to that lady over there." Iowa said.

"Good for you, Iowa." Ohio complimented. "Just...try to not shout when you're apologizing."

Guild Girl giggled a little. "You know, it's really hard for me to believe you three aren't related."

"Really? Why's that?" Ohio asked.

"Well, you know...The way you talk to each other...How you just praised him for doing a good turn, you're like a big sister."

"Yeah...I guess so, but to be honest with you, we've just been through so much together that we're kinda...an adopted family."

Guild Girl nodded. "That's a very important trait in an adventurers party. I don't think any other Guild party is more trusting of each other and close to one another than yours."

"Excuse me." The armored man said, sliding back over.

"Oh, right." Ohio replied, stepping away from the desk and over to where the man was. "All yours."

"Thanks." The armored man said to her. He looked over at Guild Girl, who had an expecting smile on her face. "Goblins?"

Iowa stumbled over to the red-headed girl.

"Hey, sorry for shouting at you earlier." He said.

The girl turned to face him.

"O-oh, t-that's okay!" She replied, smiling sheepishly and rubbing the back of her neck. "I understand it was an accident."

"Yeah, I-I just...I-I thought you were a regular and might have known that I did that sometimes, cuz' people think I'm weird." Iowa stammered.

The girl looked at him with some pity in her eyes. "Oh, don't listen to those people. You know, being weird can be a good thing."

"Really? I mean, I guess it could be, but I really don't know if I'm the good kinda wierd or a bad kinda weird."

"Definitely a good kind, from what I can see." The girl told him.

She stood up and put her hand out. "I'm Cow Girl."

There was a slight pause.

"This would be the part where you introduce yourself." She said.

"O-Oh! Right!" Iowa exclaimed. Cow Girl giggled a bit.

"I'm Iowa." He said, shaking her hand.

"Iowa." Cow Girl repeated. "What a lovely name. What does it mean?"

"Oh, it's just my codename I was given for the program I was in." Iowa replied.

"A program? What kind of program?" Cow Girl asked.

"We were...oh, wait...Ohio said not to tell anyone." Iowa said.

"Oh, well...you could tell me. I'd keep it a secret, promise." Cow Girl replied.

"Oh. Ok. Well basically it was this military research program called Project Freelancer, and they gave us codenames and had us do a lot of training, but we didn't do a very good job, and they kinda got mad at us and kicked us out." Iowa told her.

"Oh, dear. That sounds terrible." Cow Girl said. "Well, you'll do much better in the Adventurer's Guild, I'm sure."

"Really?" Iowa asked.

"Totally!" She exclaimed. "Just look at my childhood friend, Goblin Slayer over there. He's a silver ranked adventurer!"

"A silver rank? Wow! I didn't know he was a silver rank!" Iowa said.

"I know! He's really good at what he does!" Cow Girl told him.

"What does he do?" Iowa asked.

Cow Girl giggled. "Slay goblins of course, silly!"

"Oh. What's the difference between killing, and slaying?" Iowa questioned. "Like, why would I say that I slayed a goblin, when it would take up less letters just to say I killed a goblin?"

"Because slaying sounds better than killing, duh!"

Iowa turned to see Idaho walking over.

"And also, slaying and killing are both 6 letters." He continued.

"Yeah, but I mean, like, what does it matter, if I'm saying the same thing?" Iowa replied.

"Are you seriously gonna say that you 'Killed a dragon'?" Idaho asked him.

"Well, yeah, 'cuz that's what I did. I killed a dragon."

"No, but wouldn't it seem way cooler to say you 'Slayed a dragon'?"

"But, you're assuming I would be fighting a dragon, and that I would win."

"Are you telling me you wouldn't?"

"I-I'm just saying, 'cuz like, IF a dragon came along, and he's all 'I'm not playing anymore' then that would make me sad."

"Aww, that's sweet. Point conceded." Idaho said.

Cow Girl smiled amusingly at the antics of the duo. She envied that childish nature they seemed to be so shamelessly displaying. She was also very curious about the strange armor and weapons they carried. They obviously were not from around here, although Guild Girl seemed to know them pretty well.

She and the two looked over to the front desk, seeing Ohio walking over.

"All set, guys?" She asked.

"Yep. I got my stuff." Idaho told her.

"Good. Now then…" She trailed off as the four listened in to the conversation Guild Girl and Goblin Slayer were having.

"Why do goblins raid villages so frequently, I wonder?" Guild Girl asked. "It's probably because attacking humans is fun for them."

"What are you talking about?" The armored man replied. "It's simple. Imagine that suddenly monsters have attacked your home. And the bastards, with smug expressions on their face, kill your friends, kill your family, and plunder."

Cow Girl's usual cheery demeanor turned grey.

"Also imagine if your own elder sister was assaulted. And she died while being treated as a plaything." Goblin Slayer continued. "The bastards guffaw, laughing, did everything that they want to do and then threw your family's remains away like garbage."

"Jesus, this is some heavy stuff." Idaho whispered.

"Shh! Let him continue!" Ohio told him.

"I don't know what guffaw means." Iowa mumbled.

"Imagine watching that from start to finish." The armoured man said. "Hiding, holding your breath. Just silently watching. There's no way you'd be able to forgive that."

"I can hold my breath for 20 minutes." Iowa whispered.

"Iowa…" Ohio scolded.

"You pick up a weapon and train. Think and mature. For now, you move just to get even." Goblin Slayer said. "You find them, corner them, fight them, ambush them, and kill and kill and kill. And keep killing. Of course, there are times when things go well, and times when things go wrong. So you think of how you'll kill them next time, how you should kill them. For days, months."

"Even years?" Idaho asked.

"Guys, stop being idiots!" Ohio pleaded.

"If the opportunity presents itself, you experiment with those ideas one by one. Keep doing that. And eventually, you'll come to enjoy it."

Cow Girl lowered her eyes, which started to glisten.

"Ah...um...that's…" Guild Girl stammered.

"And then a naive idiot who's out of his mind says he'll let a child go babbling on with an elated face." Goblin Slayer continued. "The strongest in the village does this and says 'It's just a goblin, I've taken care of them before.' But that goblin only ran away from their cave because it had set on fire. And those idiots who have trained fighting off those stragglers become adventurers."

"I've never seen a goblin in my life…" Iowa mumbled.

"On the other hand, goblins that gain experience and survive become drifters and mature. And those drifters become a nest's leader or guards. Well, that's more or less how it starts. In short, from their perspective, I am the goblin."

Cow Girl looked ready to cry.

"Wow, that's super deep." Idaho said, stepping over.

"Yeah." Iowa agreed, following Idaho. "Like, I never thought about how maybe I'm the spider, because I kill so many spiders."

"Is that so?" Goblin Slayer asked.

"But spiders don't kill people." Idaho told him.

"They could, if it was like a poisonous spider or a big one." Iowa said.

"Oh, five monsters you wish existed, so you could say you slayed one. Go!"

"Aaaaa...a facehugger!"

"One!"

"Guys! What did I tell you about holding off on that?" Ohio scolded them.

"We did. You said for us to hold off for five minutes, and it's been five minutes." Idaho replied.

"The Predator!"

"Two!"

"That was a figure of speech!" Ohio exclaimed.

"How is that a figure of speech?" Idaho asked. "You gave us a time increment."

"Uhhhh Daleks!"

"Three!"

Cow Girl's cheery expression returned. "Hmm."

"Predator fighting Daleks!"

"Four!"

"Guys, stop!" Ohio said.

"Come on, Ohio. You know you want to..." Idaho pressed.

"Oh, bite me, corn dog."

"Come on…"

"No."

"Come on!"

"No!"

"Gee, alright, guess I've gotta give it to Iowa then…" Idaho trailed off.

"...Your mom!"

"Oh, snap! That's our girl!" Iowa exclaimed.

Cow Girl couldn't stop giggling. Guild Girl also stifled a laugh.

Ohio smiled. "Come on, guys. Let's go bag us some rats."

"Bag? Does that mean we have to put them in a bag and bring it back?" Iowa asked as the three walked out of the building.

"No, just kill them. Figure of speech." Ohio replied.

A blonde girl with white and blue robes and a hat on walked by, bumping Idaho in the arm.

"O-oh! Sorry!" She said, bowing before running into the building.

"Who was that?" Idaho asked.

"I dunno. Maybe we'll see her again sometime if she's an adventurer." Ohio replied.

Back at the Adventurers Guild, Guild Girl had finished filing Goblin Slayer's report and giving him the two goblin quests. She inspected the map.

"Oh...dear…" She said.

"Is something wrong?" Priestess asked.

"It appears as though the cave the Triplets are going to...is the exact cave where the goblins are located." She replied, eyes widened in fear. "No...If they died, I would never forgive myself. Goblin Slayer, sir! Please! You have to get to them before they reach the cave!"

"I will do what I can." Goblin Slayer told her. "I'm assuming they took the roads."

"Most likely, though with the Triplets, the unexpected is always expected." Guild Girl replied.

Cow Girl frowned. "Oh dear...I hope Iowa will be okay...He seemed like such a sweet guy."

"S-Sorry, who are we talking about?" Priestess asked.

"The Triplets are two boys and a girl who recently became adventurers." Guild Girl explained.

"O-oh. Well, then, I would hate for…" She trailed off, looking down at the ground. "...For them to go through what I did."

"I think we would all hate for that to happen." Guild Girl agreed.

"Well then, let's go." Goblin Slayer said.

"Okay, be careful." Cow Girl told him. She turned to Guild Girl. "Thank you for the tea."

"You be careful on your way home." Goblin Slayer said.

Later that night, Cow Girl sat on her porch chair, looking out into the stars.

"_Gods, please...let them return." _She silently prayed. _"Just this once…"_

"Hello!"

Cow Girl jumped, looking to the source of the voice.

"Is there a bathroom around here?" 


	2. Chapter 2

**This is part two of the two chapter oneshot that may become a story. Enjoy.**

"Do you know where we are?"

"Well, unless the map is upside down, yes." Ohio said to Idaho.

"Well in that case, let's just hope this cave is the one." Iowa replied, looking at the massive mouth that opened up.

"Hey, do you guys hear something?" Idaho asked as they walked in.

"Yeah, it kinda sounds like…"

"HOLY SHIT!"

Goblin Slayer loaded another fire arrow, drawing back the bow. He fired, the arrow sliced through the lookout goblin's head, killing it instantly. The body, blazing red hot, dropped below to the entrance of the cave. The other goblins stared at it in shock.

Another arrow, with glass on its tip, shattered against the wall, splattering a black substance on the floor. The cave then blazed a fiery glow, the goblins retreating into the cave to save themselves.

"Old Elven fortress. Burns nicely." Goblin Slayer remarked, shooting another two arrows at two goblins on the roof. They fell in the fortress, setting fire to the inside.

"W-Wait, the Triplets could be in there!" Priestess told him.

"No. If they went to hunt sewer rats, they most likely came in from the other side. If they see the flames, they'll run out." Goblin Slayer replied.

"But remember what Guild Girl said?" Priestess reminded him. "Expect the unexpected."

"Hmmm." Goblin Slayer pondered. "The captives and their would-be rescuers will all be dead by now. It's been too long."

"Yes, I know." Priestess said. She then turned her head to the side. "Do...you hear something?"

"No."

"Shh! Listen! There it is again!"

A stone bashed Goblin Slayer in the head.

"Are you alright?!" Priestess exclaimed.

"Calm down." Goblin Slayer told her, focusing his attention on a goblin up on the roof. "He's got a sling. But he can't muster much force at this distance."

He shot an arrow at the goblin, killing it.

"Let's go." Goblin Slayer said. "That new miracle you received? We'll need it."

"Right!" Priestess replied, stepping forward. The goblin horde rushed over to them.

"Hang on, I think I hear music too." Goblin Slayer stated. "Whatever. Just do it."

"O, Earth Mother, abounding in mercy!" Priestess chanted. "By the power of the land, grant-Okay, it's getting really hard to chant with the noise."

"Yes. It almost sounds like…"

"AAAAAHHHH!"

A goblin fell down as a wheel crushed it's head, splattering blood all over the ground.

Goblin Slayer could only muster two words. "Holy shit."

A four-wheeled vehicle, manned by none other than Iowa, sped past them. A man with similar armor on, but orange, mounted on the back, firing his rifle, screamed as they flew into the forest behind them. A huge crash was heard, and the two ran right out.

"AAAAH I'M ON FIRE!" Iowa shrieked, running around.

"STOP DROP AND ROLL!" The orange armored man yelled.

"W-wha-wha?" Priestess asked, completely dumbfounded.

Then, another four-wheeled vehicle crashed out from the crowd of goblins. Inside was a man in maroon armor, Idaho, and Ohio, carrying a nude, battered woman.

"YEEEHAAAW!" The maroon-colored man cheered,the vehicle drifting to a halt right in front of the two baffled adventurers.

He stood on a moving platform in the back, which seemed to rotate. He held onto a strange device with a tube attached to it.

Idaho sat in the driver's seat, with Ohio in the passenger seat with the girl.

The maroon colored soldier pressed onto two handles holding the emplacement, causing the barrel to spin and shoot metal spikes at the goblins.

"Yeah! Come get some you honky motherfuckers!" He taunted. "Oh you want some more, cocksuckers? I'm gonna-"

"Hey." Ohio said smoothly.

Goblin Slayer quickly regained his usually unfazed nature. "Hello. I assume the quest was a success?"

"Wh-wha-what just happened?" Priestess asked.

"Oh, we just thought we'd drop by." Ohio told her. "Hey, I think I recognize you."

Priestess widened her eyes. "O-oh, right. You were the group I bumped into earlier."

"Hey, uh, I hate to interrupt, but they're gaining pretty damn fast, and I don't know how much longer Simmons can keep it up!" Idaho shouted over the piercing sound of gunfire.

"Move your vehicle behind us." Goblin Slayer told Ohio.

"Gotcha." Ohio nodded.

Idaho pulled a lever, and the vehicle spun around, driving past the two.

"Ok, ok." Priestess said, collecting herself. "O, Earth Mother, abounding in mercy, by the power of the land, grant safety to we who are weak!"

She pointed her staff at the doorway, and a wall of light lit up, blocking it. Two goblins managed to get in, however, but they were quickly shot down by the maroon man's fire.

"Protection!"

The rest of the goblins were engulfed in the flames.

"I'm sorry…" Priestess apologised. "I was slow with my miracle."

"Nevermind. It worked." Goblin Slayer told her.

The group watched the smog from the fire darken the rest of the fortress.

Priestess looked at the scene, her eyes glistening. _To use a holy miracle this way...am I...still…?_

"HI!"

"Eep!" Priestess yelped, seeing the blue-and-white striped man, still on fire, approach her.

"Y-you're on fire!" She said.

"Yeah, but my suit's fireproof, so it's like, totally fine." Iowa told her. "I remember you from the Guild."

"I-I see…" Priestess replied, unsure of how to respond. "Well, uh, would you like to...maybe...not be on fire?"

"Yeah, I guess so. It's probably not all that good for me." Iowa said.

"Well, then, let me help you out." She offered. She then placed a hand in front of the flames.

"O, Earth Mother, abounding in mercy, by the power of the land, grant us who suffer from ailments the healing touch of your sacred hand."

The fire on Iowa dissipated, as did the orange man who was still running around.

"OHOHOH GOD! IT BUR-wait, huh?" He asked.

"Cure!"

"Wow! That was pretty cool!" Iowa exclaimed. "I mean, I tried to use a bucket of sand last time but the wind blew it all away and caused the fire to spread."

"Thanks for that." Ohio said, walking over.

"N-no trouble!" Priestess replied, smiling at her.

"Oh, we found, uh…"

"Right."

Priestess kneeled over the woman in question, coughing out smoke.

As she chanted a healing miracle, Goblin Slayer looked at Ohio.

"So, you ended up doing a little more than killing sewer rats, I see."

"Well, that's how it was going to be…" Ohio began. "See, Iowa used to have a huge mouse problem at his house, so he showed us how to make DIY mousetraps."

"Impressive how you managed to survive the goblins." Goblin Slayer complimented.

"Oh, we wouldn't have, if it weren't for our friends Grif and Simmons." Ohio told him.

Goblin Slayer turned to the two new armored figures. The orange one was leaning over, panting from running around. The maroon one was talking to Idaho.

"Look, all I'm saying is, we could've just taken the other path and gotten there in a much faster timeframe." The maroon soldier told Idaho.

"Oh, everyone's a critic." Idaho muttered.

"Hey! You two!" Ohio called over.

"Us?" Idaho asked, pointing to him and the maroon soldier.

"No, you…" Ohio said, pointing to the maroon soldier. "...And you! C'mere!" She then pointed at the orange soldier.

"Uhhh, why?" The orange one replied.

"So we can introduce you guys." Ohio told him.

"Oh, ok."

The two walked over, holding similar weapons that the Triplets had.

"So, this is Grif," Ohio said, pointing to the orange one, who waved.

"And that's Simmons." She continued, pointing to the maroon one.

"Hello."

"Nice to meet you." Priestess chimed in, bowing.

"So, uh, what now?" Simmons asked.

"You can head back if you want." Goblin Slayer told them. "I just need to finish off any survivors."

He walked off, looking for any goblins.

"Oh. Uhh, okay." Idaho said, looking over to Ohio.

"Wait. The mongoose crashed. We don't have enough seats for five." Grif stated.

"Oh...right." Ohio said, looking over to Grif. "Uhh...I guess...maybe...I don't know...W-Well, how should we decide this?"

"I dunno...flip of the coin, maybe?" Simmons suggested.

"We don't have any coins." Idaho replied. "How about a bullet?"

"Sure. Let's do that." Ohio agreed.

Iowa pulled a bullet out from his magazine and placed it in the palm of his hand.

"Okay. Simmons, you first. Call it." Grif said.

"What? Why me?" Simmons asked.

"Why not?" Ohio replied.

"Because I'm the only one who knows how to operate the machine gun properly." Simmons told her.

"Oh, come on, it can't be that hard Simmons." Grif said.

"You think nothing's that hard, Grif." Simmons shot back.

"That's because it isn't. You just turn the gun and shoot it." Grif replied.

"It's much more complicated than that. You have to calculate the trajectory of the bullets, where you're aiming, trigger squeeze, and I had to take a 5 minute online training course in order to get certified." Simmons explained.

"They gave you a certification for something?" Grif asked. "Why can't I get certified for anything?"

"Because you failed the application requirements!" Simmons exclaimed. "You didn't laminate it like you were supposed to!"

Priestess stared at the back-and-forth between the two with a raised eyebrow. They definitely didn't seem very professional, whoever they were. She couldn't understand half of the words they said either.

"We don't have a laminator, Simmons! And the Blues wouldn't let me use theirs!"

"Hey! Hey! Okay, you two." Ohio said, jumping in. "Look, you guys can go. You're not adventurers, although you might want to consider doing being ones. And Iowa?"

"YEAH?!" Iowa practically screamed, startling Priestess.

"Eep!"

"Okay, one!" Ohio said, covering both sides of her helmet. "Stop! Shouting! Two, you go with Grif and Simmons. You're probably tired from getting lit on fire and all that."

"YE-I mean, uh, yeah. Okay." Iowa stuttered, getting in the passenger seat.

"See ya." Simmons said, waving as Grif got in the driver's seat, and Iowa in the passenger seat.

"Goodbye." Priestess replied, still baffled by the people she just met. She turned to Ohio and Idaho.

"Um, so...Do you know them?" Priestess asked.

"Huh?" Idaho said, looking over.

"W-well, it's just that, y'know, they have the same armor as you guys, and I thought maybe you knew each other." Priestess pointed out.

"Uhh, not really." Ohio said. "Although, their names do sound familiar. I just can't remember why."

**Meanwhile…**

"You're telling me you don't have an InkJet printer?!"

Guild Girl looked over to Cow Girl with a raised eyebrow, who smiled sheepishly while rubbing the back of her head.

"U-um...Sorry, I'm afraid I don't know what that even is." Guild Girl said apologetically to the bright red armored man.

"Damnit. How about a gas station? Is there a diesel pump anywhere? We need to fill up our jeep." The man asked in a gruff tone.

"I-I don't even know what half of those things are, sir." Guild Girl replied.

"What? God-her-der-dang-der-her-der-"

"Sarge! I told you!" A pink armored man said, walking over from where Cow Girl was. "This is Medieval times! They don't have gas stations!"

"Really? I thought they at least had Roombas back then!" The red armored man, Sarge replied.

"Of course they don't have Roombas, Sarge! They're still using swords!" The pink armored man told him.

"_Still?_" Guild Girl muttered under her breath.

"You'll have to excuse Sarge. He's just gonna have to get used to being here." He said.

"O-oh, no problem!" Guild Girl replied. "I can understand cultural shock."

"Who got shocked?" A blue armored man spoke up.

"No one, Bluetard." Sarge told him. "I'm just trying to get over the fact that they don't even have microwaves!"

"Well, I mean, I can never figure out how to use microwaves." The blue armored man replied. "All the buttons make the same noise and I can't read any of them."

"Aw, don't worry about it, Caboose." The pink armored man told him. "I'll teach you how to use one sometime!"

"Donut! That's giving the enemy classified intel! Do you know what kind of power one can posses with that knowledge?" Sarge scolded.

"Classified? I don't know if cooking food is that much of a problem, unless he were to somehow burn something." Donut replied. "And besides, we aren't fighting anymore, remember?"

"Maybe so, but still! Though we may be at peace, we need to be aware, alert! There's no telling what sort of evil Blue plot could be forming in his head at this very second!"

"Is there a bathroom here?" Caboose asked Guild Girl.

"Yep, right over there." Guild Girl replied, trying to stifle a laugh.

"Diabolical." Sarge muttered.

Caboose walked over to the bathroom.

"See, Donut? He could be planning anything in there!" He exclaimed.

"Or just using the bathroom." Donut remarked. "By the way, we should do some planning of our own."

"Right." Sarge said. "Excuse us for a moment."

Guild Girl nodded. "Take all the time you need."

"Donut, we need to find Simmons and Lopez on the pronto!" Sarge told the pink armored man as they sat down.

"Don't you mean Simmons, Lopez, and Grif?" Donut asked.

"Right, exactly. Simmons and Lopez." Sarge replied.

"No, but Simmons, Lopez, and Grif."

"Yes. Simmons and Lopez, Donut. We've covered this." Sarge said.

"But what about Grif?" Donut clarified.

"Yeah, what about me?"

Donut and Sarge turned to see Grif and Simmons, with a blue soldier with white accents.

"Simmons! Good to see you back!" Sarge said.

"Thank you, sir. Good to see you too." Simmons replied.

"Who's the Blue?" Sarge asked.

"He's not actually a Blue, sir. His name is-"

"Iowa!"

Cow Girl ran over to the armored man. "Oh, dear, I was worried about you!"

"Really?" Iowa asked.

"Of course! Where's the rest of the crew?" Guild Girl asked, a pang in her heart. _Was he…? No, no, they can't be dead. Please._

"Oh, they stayed behind to help Goblin Slayer." Iowa replied.

Guild Girl let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, I'm glad that you three are all safe." She said, smiling.

"Well we wouldn't have been if it weren't for Grif and Simmons." Iowa told her.

"Oh, please. It was really nothing." Simmons replied. "It was the least we could do after you set those traps down so fatass over here would stop freaking out about bats."

"Hey! That is a perfectly legitimate concern especially after encountering giant rats!" Grif exclaimed.

"Excuse us, are you all set?"

Grif, Simmons, and Iowa turned around to see an elf, a dwarf, and something far less subtle standing in front of them.

"What the-Holy crap!" Simmons yelled.

"What?" The elf asked.

"It's the boogeyman! Run for your lives!" Grif shouted, running out the building with Simmons.

"What? Boogeyman? Donut! Fallback procedures! Leave no man behind! Which excludes Grif!"

"Yes, sir!" Donut said, saluting his commanding officer. He then proceeded to run out of the building screaming.

"What a pro." Sarge muttered to himself, before running after them.

"Was it something you said, Long Ears?" The dwarf asked in pure confusion.

"Oh, why do you have to assume I'm behind everything?" The elf shot back.

"AHHH WHAT ARE WE RUNNING FROM?!" Caboose shouted, sprinting out the door after Sarge.

"Soo...uh...can I fill out the quest details?" Iowa asked.

Everyone in the building sweatdropped.

_RvB: Return by Trocadero plays_

**LaverniusTuckerTheAquaMan Presents: **

OHIO:

"Goddamnit, not again."

IOWA:

"WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!"

IDAHO:

"Five things you wish you could say to break up this awkward moment."

SARGE:

"Son, what in Sam Hill is wrong with you?"

SIMMONS:

"So what do you do when there's two Priestesses? Do you just call each other Priestess 1 and Priestess 2?"

GRIF:

"If I die tonight, I want you all to know...that this is all your fault."

DONUT:

"Who wants to see my enormous new sword?"

TUCKER:

"Bow-chicka-wow-Okay, you're gonna kill me now."

CABOOSE:

"MY NAME IS MICHAEL J CABOOSE! AND I! HATE! GARBAGE!"

DOC/O'MALLEY:

"TASTE OBLIVION! MUAHAHAA! Although that's quite ironic, coming from these creatures."

WASHINGTON:

"Oh, the Project Councillor would have a field day with you."

CAROLINA:

"I feel like this has just entered a new level of stupid."

EPSILON/CHURCH:

"Hey! I'm right here, jackass!"

PRIESTESS:

"Do I even want to know?"

HIGH ELF ARCHER:

"You ever think about shutting the fuck up?"

DWARF SHAMAN:

"Well...This got out of hand quickly."

LIZARD PRIEST:

"Yes, my tail does grow back if cut off. Wait...why?"

GUILD GIRL:

"Where do I even start?"

COW GIRL:

"You're all a bunch of idiots...And I couldn't be happier."

GOBLIN SLAYER:

"That's not a plan. You just made explosion sounds with your mouth."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Priestess sat at the table, sipping her tea. To say she was fatigued was an understatement. She felt as though a brick was sitting on her lap, keeping her glued to the seat.

"Mind if we take a seat here?"

Priestess turned to see Iowa and Idaho standing behind two seats next to her.

"N-Not at all!" She replied, smiling politely.

"Cool, thanks." Idaho said.

"So, how was your first day?" She asked.

"Aside from being on fire, I would say we did pretty good." Iowa said.

"Hey, uh, this seat occupied?"

Priestess looked over to see Grif and Simmons.

"Nope! Go on ahead!"

"Sweet." Grif said, sitting down.

"I guess all things considered, we're lucky that we found a fully functioning Warthog." Simmons added in.

"That's what that thing with wheels is called?" Priestess asked.

"Mmmhmm." Simmons replied. "Although Grif thinks it should be called a Puma."

"Hey, Simmons. I can do both of ours." Grif said, gesturing to the two adventurer's sheets they were holding.

"Really? Gee, thanks Grif." Simmons replied.

"No problem, man." Grif told him.

Simmons slid his paper over to Grif.

"You've decided to become adventurers?" She asked.

"Well, not like we have anything else to do." Simmons said.

"Well, we could always just go back to standing around doing nothing." Grif suggested.

"You guys do that too?" Idaho asked.

"24/7." Grif said nonchalantly.

"Oooh! You ever play 5 things?" Iowa chimed in.

"Every fucking day." Grif replied.

There was a brief pause.

"I think we should ask them to join our party." Iowa whispered to Idaho.

"I wonder what the member cap is for a party?" Idaho whispered back.

Grif snorted.

"Huh? What's the matter?" Simmons asked.

"N-Nothing, I just...ah…" Grif quickly replied, but couldn't control himself, bursting into laughter.

"What's so funny?" Simmons said. "Seriously! Why are you laughing? Hey wait a minute…did you write something stupid on my adventurer sheet?"

Grif snorted and made a stroke with the quill. "No…"

"Let me see the paper, asshole!" Simmons said.

"Wait, I'm not done yet." Grif told him.

"I don't give a fuck! What did you write?"

"Oh, I just filled out your profile to the best of my ability." Grif chortled.

Priestess snuck a peek, and saw Grif had written "Professional Ass Kisser" as his occupation, and "Has none" under talents.

She blinked for a second, unsure of how she felt about this level of immature behavior.

Simmons seemed to notice what Grif had written.

"You fucking dick!" He exclaimed. "Ok, cockbite, let's see how you like it!"

He snatched Grif's paper and started scribbling on it.

"Hey fatass, what should I put as your abilities?" Simmons taunted. "I'm thinking the power to make anyone within a 10 mile radius feel constantly disappointed."

"Simmons! What're you doing?"

The man in red, who's name Priestess had been introduced as Sarge, walked over.

"Grif was putting false information on my adventurers sheet, so I'm returning the favor. What should I put as his occupation?" Simmons replied.

"How about mattress stress tester?" Sarge recommended. "Or, my personal favorite, professional pantry bandit!"

"Oooh! That's a burn, sir!" Simmons said. He scribbled on the paper.

"Hey! That's not fair! You gotta give me something, sir! What should Simmons' weapon of choice be?" Grif complained.

"A PSA on how to clean your braces." Sarge answered.

Priestess looked at them, slightly amused.

_Maybe I misjudged them. Although they must be in their 20s and yet act nothing like Gobl-_

Priestess mentally slapped herself, rubbing her face and giggling a little.

_Listen to me, comparing normal people to Goblin Slayer. Though even by normal standards they're very unprofessional. _

"Okay. One: I don't have braces. And two: why are you helping Grif, Sarge?" Simmons asked.

"Sorry, Simmons. Standard Red Army protocol requires me to distribute resources evenly among my men. That includes roasts. Luckily, they forgot to factor in my Grif Equation." Sarge said.

Priestess smiled. "Grif Equation, Mister Sarge?"

Sarge turned to regard her. "One Grif is approximately worth a quarter of a soldier. Which is not to be concerned with weight, which is 4 soldiers."

"Hey…"

Priestess smiled at the group, then sighed, looking at the table.

"Hey!"

Priestess jumped a little, turning to regard a boy and a girl.

"Um, yes?"

"How about…" The boy began. "I mean...you wanna come adventuring with us?"

"Uh, we'd have to ask Ohio about that." Iowa replied.

The boy arched an eyebrow. "I was talking to the normal one."

"Woah, what's your problem?" Simmons asked.

"None. Just want to go UP ranks instead of down." The girl replied.

Idaho and Iowa's helmets lowered.

"Um...thank you." Priestess said. "But I already have a party."

"You mean that armored guy?" The girl asked.

"We know." The boy said. "That's exactly why we're talking to you. He's a weirdo! What Silver rank hunts nothing but goblins?"

"You're new here, and we just thought he was using you as bait." The girl added.

"That is wholly un-!" Priestess exclaimed, but she was stopped from talking by Sarge.

"Enough! Both of you! I was in the middle of giving my men a classified military debrief, and I will not have eavesdroppers!" He barked.

"You were just standing around and talking though." The boy replied.

Sarge cocked his shotgun and aimed it at the boy. "Insubordination!"

"Okay, okay! We're going!" The boy said, walking off with the girl.

"Dirtbags." Sarge muttered, lowering his gun.

"Hey, Sarge?" Simmons said. "I really don't think it's a good idea to start threatening people on the first day."

"Ahh, you know I can't resist a good death threat Simmons! And not the bad ones you send over the internet anonymously. You gotta make sure he knows who you are so you can see the fear in his eyes when he sees you kill him!" Sarge rambled.

"Okay, I don't think it's a good idea to start making death threats on the first day, and I REALLY don't think it's a good idea to start killing people on the first day." Simmons replied.

"Not even Grif?" Sarge asked.

"Probably no-well, maybe if you did it somewhere other than here." Simmons said. "Y'know, away from people who might see it."

Priestess stifled a laugh as she saw Grif flip Simmons off.

"Who...is killing...who?" A voice asked.

"You! Haha!" Sarge barked, turning around and pointing his shotgun at thin air.

"Ahem. I am to your...right."

"What?" Sarge shouted, he turned to his right and saw Witch. "Ah, dammit! I fell for a classic misdirection! And that's usually my thing! Well, I guess I gotta be fair to you, what are your terms for surrender?"

"If I might have…a word with…the girl...I think that may…suffice."

"Hrmm. You drive a tough bargain. Fine. Come on, cupcakes. Let's go find another table." Sarge replied.

The three got up and walked to another table.

Priestess burst into a fit of giggles, but stopped as she saw both Iowa and Idaho looking at her, as well as the rather nice looking Witch.

"S-sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at your friend's expense." She said, wiping her eyes and blushing.

"Hey, don't worry about it. We're all having a good time here." Idaho replied nonchalantly. He looked over to the side of the room at the boy and girl from before who were eyeing the Reds suspiciously. "Well, most of us."

"If you'll excuse us…" Witch said to the two former Freelancers.

"Sure. Come on, Iowa. Let's go see what Sarge has for us." Idaho replied, getting up and walking over to the Reds.

"Alright, men." Sarge said, standing at the end of the table. "Listen up. That goes double for you, Private Grif."

"Meh, whatever."

"Upon realising that there was in fact, no boogeyman, Simmons stumbled onto a lead. A very, very important lead. Take it away, Simmons."

Simmons stood up and walked to the end. "Thank you, sir. Now, as you can see on this navigational modulator, there appears to be an anomaly at approximately three hundred and fifty-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Simmons! Just give the damn briefing!" Grif scolded.

"Fine. Asshole. We found a distress beacon that matches the frequency of the escape pods that were on the ship we were on." Simmons stated.

"Where is it?" Idaho asked.

"Uhh, last signal was marked at latitude 220, longitude 44." Simmons replied.

"English." Grif growled.

"That is English, dumbass. It's how we locate the signal." Simmons shot back.

"But how do we know where that is?" Iowa asked.

"Well, there are no satellites, so we can't use GPS. I could build a tracking device, but Lopez had the sautering iron, which I would need." Simmons said.

"Hmmm…so that means we need to find Lopez!" Sarge exclaimed. "That sautering iron costs a fortune!"

"Right. But he could be anywhere. So I propose we use the parts from the crashed ship, the sections that crashed in your area and ours, to build a tower that can help us triangulate the signal." Simmons said.

"We don't have time for that, Simmons!" Sarge exclaimed.

"Do we?" Grif asked. "I mean, it's not as if we're in immediate danger."

"Not us, but maybe the others could be!" Sarge said.

"Look, all I'm saying is, if we're gonna try to work this thing out, we should take our time and go slowly, so that we don't screw up or anything." Grif replied.

"If we went as slow as you wanted, fatass, we wouldn't even walk out the fucking door." Simmons jested.

"Wait, what if you just split up?" Iowa asked.

"Split up?" Sarge repeated.

"Yeah. Me, Idaho, Ohio, and maybe Grif will go find this Lopez guy, and you two stay here and make your tower." Iowa said.

"Son...that is probably the smartest thing I've heard coming out of someone who's wearing blue armor." Sarge replied.

"Thanks. I think." Iowa said.

The door to the upstairs opened. Goblin Slayer strode out, with Ohio trailing after him.

"Wait! Hey, I said wait! Can't we just...ugh! Are you even listening to me?" Ohio asked.

"Not particularly." Goblin Slayer replied.

"Oh, yeah, that's real funny, dude. Maybe you should try comedy if you can manage not triggering your goblin-induced PTSD." Ohio shot back.

Goblin Slayer approached the desk girl, and Ohio walked over to the group.

"He said we couldn't go goblin slaying with him, and that he was going alone! Can you believe the guy?" Ohio asked.

"Wait, goblins are bad? I thought they were good!" Grif said.

"No, you're thinking of Orcs." Ohio replied. "Wait, are we talking D&D or Elder Scrolls?"

"I PREFER RUNESCAPE!"

"SHUT UP!" The group scolded.

The silence was interrupted by a mumbling Priestess from the entryway.

"At least...you could talk to me before you decide...you know?"

"Aren't I?" Goblin Slayer asked.

Priestess blinked and blushed. "Oh...I guess this is talking, yes."

"I believe it is."

Priestess sighed. "It's not much of a talk if you've already made up your mind."

"It isn't?" Goblin Slayer asked.

She smiled and put her hat back on her head. "I'm coming with you. As if I'd leave you alone!"

"Do what you want."

"Thank you. I will!"

"Oh woah hold the phone!" Ohio exclaimed. "I get that she's your sidekick and all but how am I any different?"

Priestess folded her lips and looked at Goblin Slayer.

"I don't know you." Goblin Slayer replied.

"Bullshit you don't know me! We-" Ohio began, but Sarge stepped in.

"Hey! If you're finished flapping your gums, I got something for you. And as a UNSC NCO, I'm taking defacto command of your unit!" Sarge said.

"Uh, what's the job?" Ohio asked.

"I want you three to take Grif, Donut, and Caboose on your trip with Goblin Slayer so they can search for Lopez. And maybe anyone else they come across." Sarge replied.

"But I didn't say she could-"

"Son, do I look like I give a rat's ass about you and your boy band?" Sarge barked.

"Not nesse-"

"Good! Then get to tripping! But make sure you keep your balance! Hehe." Sarge ordered.

"Oh boy! Do we get to go on a tightrope?" Caboose asked, sliding over to the group from seemingly nowhere.

"No, silly. He means we're going somewhere! Like a trip!" Donut replied, walking over.

"Oh, good. Because on second thought, that would be scary." Caboose said.

"Now, Donut, I'm only saying this because the teams aren't even, but keep an eye on Caboose." Sarge told the pink armored moron.

"Don't worry, Sarge! We'll be super tight!" Donut replied.

Goblin Slayer let out a light sigh. "Alright. Let's go then."

"Wait for us!"

The group turned to see the elf, dwarf, and lizardman behind us.

"We're going too!"

Goblin Slayer flinched a little. "Okay then. Let's go."

"Is this too many people, Goblin Slayer?" Priestess asked.

"No. It's fine." Goblin Slayer replied, opening the door to the outside. But as they exited, there was one thought racing through his mind:

_This is NOT fine!_


	4. PSA: King of the Castle

**Hi all. Sorry for being away for so long. You can probably guess why, with all that's going on. But I think I'm working up the motivation to continue. As a little welcome back gift, here's a PSA skit from your favorite colored space marines.**

**Rvb PSA: King of the Castle**

"Hi. I'm Captain Dick Simmons from the popular web series, Red vs Blue."

"And I'm Dexter Grif, from Battlestar Galactica, you dumbass."

"As you may have noticed, we're currently stuck on a remote, primitive, fantasyland of a planet."

"Yeah, where are we even? Is this like some obscure planet? Something like, UDP 387282-F2928?"

"Aside from our guns, a fully functioning warthog, and plot armor, we have no access to our usual technologies we take for granted back home."

"No microwaves, TV, or contact with the Coca Cola Company? How do we do it, you must be wondering as you nuzzle your unopened Twinkies."

"Well wonder no more. We here at Red vs Blue proudly present you some tips and tricks to surviving on the Frontier."

"What in the world are they doing?"

**The duo sidestep to a small tent, made of green tarp. High Elf Archer creeps along.**

"First and foremost, remember one thing: As a fellow 21st century individual, your mind is the greatest survival tool."

"Or in other words, everybody here is dumber than you."

"Your kind have already gone through all the technological revolutions. Superior knowledge of architecture, physics, medicine, and wilderness survival gives you an advantage in an otherwise hostile environment."

"Likewise, better understanding of economics and marketing strategy means you climb your way to the top without anyone to stop you. Also, being away from Earthly competitors means you can steal their intellectual property and sell it without fear of consequences. Microsoft can't send a cease and desist if it doesn't know where you live!"

**High Elf Archer glares daggers at Grif's back.**

"For my part, I constructed a simple tent using green tarp and sticks. For protection against bugs, I use woven leaves and clay."

"Erm, we have an inn at the town."

"Thanks for bringing another topic to our attention, High Elf Archer."

"Uh...you're welcome?"

"Medieval people are fucking gross."

"Excuse me?!"

"Sorry High Elf Archer, but it's just the simple truth. For example, back then, people threw feces into the streets, which would attract disease."

"Actually, we have working sewer systems."

"Yes, I agree, High Elf Archer. That does sound gross and also incredibly unhygienic, not to mention dangerous."

"It sounds like you're talking out of your ass!"

"That brings me to another point. Medieval people have no morals either. They haven't had their own Geneva convention. So try to stay clear of towns for fear that you might be subjected to an extremely painful and gruesome demise. Here to demonstrate some of them is Sarge."

"Sure, they may not have the deadly lasers and rockets we're all used to, but those guys really knew how to inflict bodily harm. Oh, we're talking stretching…"

**Cut to Grif being stretched**

"AHAHAHAH HELP!"

**Cut back to Sarge**

"Hanging…"

**Cut to Grif waving his arms around while a noose is around his neck**

"Kkkkkkkkk!"

**Cut back to Sarge**

"And a particularly brutal one. This is like the DLC for hanging, known as hanging, drawing, and quartering!"

**Cut to Sarge and Grif, who is tied to the Warthog.**

"Now I couldn't find a horse for this, and the rope broke thanks to Fat and Useless over here."

"I'M BIG BONED AND ALSO FUCK YOU!"

"So, we just tied him up to this otherworldly device! Let the quartering commence!"

**The Warthog rides off into the sunset with Grif screaming for his life.**

**Cut back to Simmons.**

"So, you've learned how to survive in the Frontier, but have you learned to thrive? Take it away, Grif."

"Thanks Simmons. Many of you may be wondering how you're going to be able to live your usual routine of doing nothing without the luxuries of cryptocurrencies and stocks. The answer, as those who have read my book, 'Making Money While Doing Jack', will tell you, is stupid people. And since you're trapped on a planet where everyone is more gullible than you, making money is easier than it looks."

**Grif walks over to a table with a box, while High Elf Archer watches on, steam pouring from her ears.**

"As you can see here, I invented the Wii!"

"Um, Grif, that's just a metal disc drive with the words 'Wii' scribbled on it in Sharpie."

"Yeah, so?"

"Grif! Nintendo is extremely protective of their copyright!"

"Remember what I said before? Copyright doesn't matter! We're on a remote planet!"

"I dunno, I had a buddy back at Sidewinder who played the Mario theme over the radio. He was never seen again. Poor Dave. I told him not to, that it was risky. But he didn't listen. What a brave soldier that guy."

"Oh please, you two are paranoid! Pfft! What are they gonna do, send hunter-killer robots after me? Yeah right! Anyway, this here looks like a beloved entertainment system, but in reality, I've installed spyware that will let me view their buying history so I can sell it to corporate entities."

"Who on this planet is a corporate entity?"

"Oh, wouldn't you like to know, Mister Google?"

"Hey, we had a business partnership. And besides, you need me to boost your product's searches."

"You're both running scams?!"

"Ahem. Here in the future, it's what is known as the minimum viable product."

"If you don't know what that means, just play any EA Sports title that released in the last 5 years."

"Are you out of your minds?!"

"Now that you've come up with an incredible idea, it's time to sell on it!"

**Cut to Grif, Simmons, and Sarge standing in the middle of town. A crowd is gathered. **

"Come one come all! Devices from the future that will revolutionize the world!"

"And if you buy one, you get a free copy of my totally original OS, Windows 10. Don't bother asking where the other 9 went."

"OMG! This is amazing! The future is truly upon us! I'll take your entire stock!"

"Now Caboose, supply and demand mandate that we share this technology equally among these fair men and women."

"Wait! People of Frontier Town! Do not believe the lies that Grif and Simmons tell you! They wish to steal your money and sell you fraudulent products with no real value!"

"Sometimes in your endeavors, you may encounter people who are unwilling to except that your world is simply better then theirs. They may need time to dispose of their archaic and barbaric ways."

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH GRIF!"

"In the case of those who are aggressive, it may be prudent to seek legal counsel. Sarge?"

"I'm chalking all your gumflapping up to a case of defamation!"

"Sarge, you throw that at me, I will beat your fucking tee-"

"Legal escalation!"

**The grenade flies in the air before it is shot out of the sky.**

"Oh no! Look out! Nintendo hunter-killer robots!"

"AHH RUN!"

"TARGETS ACQUIRED. DEPLOYING LETHAL FORCE."

"OH GOD! THIS IS JUST LIKE SOCRATES! SOCIETY DOESN'T LIKE THAT WE THINK BETTER!"

"CEASE AND DESIST, BITCH."

"SOMEONE HELP!"

"WE WILL STOMP YOU LIKE A GOOMBA, THIEVES."

"Sooo...uh, I don't have any of that...technology stuff. But I do have ONE OF THE BEST INVENTIONS KNOWN TO MAN! COTTON CANDY! IT IS THE BEST THING EVER MADE, EVER!"

**The crowd gathers around Caboose's cotton candy machine as the scene fades to black, and all that can be heard is the sound of Grif, Simmons, and Sarge screaming as lasers and rockets narrowly miss them.**

**The End.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: **

"So what made all of you want to become adventurers?"

A pretty simple question that was rather simply answered by the...less...audacious members of the considerably large party.

"To sample the world's great cuisine, of course!" Dwarf Shaman said, smiling at the aroma given by the meat that Lizard Priest was cooking. "You, long ears?"

"All done!" Lizard Priest announced, handing a stick of meat to the dwarf, and leaving the other to himself.

"I was eager to see the outside world." High Elf Archer said."

"This is delicious! What is this?!" Dwarf Shaman asked, happily chomping down on the juicy food.

"Listen when I'm talking, will you?!" High Elf Archer scolded him.

"It is the meat of a swamp creature." Lizard Priest said.

"Huh? Swamp creature?" High Elf Archer repeated, taken aback by the exotic game.

"Funny, wouldn't know by the smell!" Dwarf Shaman said. "Those tongue-tingling spices! The juices! That would-be rabbit can't appreciate the virtues of this meal!"

High Elf Archer gave the small man a death glare, which he ignored as he ate joyfully.

"There's soup too." Priestess offered, handing the elf a bowl. "Dried beans."

"Don't mind if I do!" High Elf Archer said. She ate a spoonful and smiled. "Ahh, what a fine flavor!"

"I for one, wished to root out heresy and gain stature until I become a naga." Lizard Priest told the group.

"Oh. Um...A religious motive. I'm the same." Priestess said.

"Hey guys, we're back."

The group looked to see Ohio and the others trudging over to the campfire. They had small metal crates they were carrying.

"Gee, who would've known the entire mess hall of the ship survived, along with most of the food supplies?" Donut said, setting a crate down.

"Hey, I'm not complaining. Was this a military ship, or a civilian vessel?" Grif asked.

"Military." Donut said.

"Dammit. That means it's probably all shitty rations." Grif cursed.

"Don't worry. I think these came from the officer's storeroom. Maybe there's something we'll all enjoy." Donut said, setting the crate down.

Dwarf Shaman looked up, interested to see what these otherworldly travelers considered food.

"I'll set up the grill." Idaho said.

"You brought a barbecue grill?" Ohio deadpanned.

"Actually," Idaho corrected Ohio matter-of-factly. "It is THE barbecue grill! This baby can make you a hamburger in less than 10 minutes!"

"I wanted to slay-" Goblin Slayer began.

"Yeah, I think I can guess." High Elf Archer said. She passed Priestess a small square cracker. "Here."

"Is this...dried bread?" Priestess asked. "It's not quite a biscuit."

She took a bite.

"Oh! Delicious!" She exclaimed. "It's crunchy outside, but the center is soft. And it has a delightfully sweet, nutty aroma!"

"Glad you like it!" High Elf Archer said. "It's an elf traveling ration. We're not supposed to share them with outsiders, really. But today's special."

Iowa nudged past Dwarf Shaman. "Mind if I borrow a couple coals?"

Dwarf Shaman looked at him and nodded cheerfully.

"You're going to set yourself on fire again." Ohio said.

"I will not!" Iowa replied. "I will have you know that despite my recent escapades, I am very responsible with open flames."

As he said this, he immediately tripped over a rock and landed face first in the flame, to which Priestess yelped in alarm.

"Oh...my...Gods, are you okay?!" High Elf Archer asked,rushing over and pulling him out from the fire.

"Yeah, just didn't see that rock there." Iowa said.

Dwarf Shaman blinked. "Friend, you did a lot more than just trip, I hope you know."

Ohio sighed. "It's fine. If you knew how many times Iowa either couldn't breathe, got lit on fire, or both, you wouldn't even flinch."

"You do realise our armor is fireproof, right?" Donut asked.

"Wait really?" Grif said.

"Yeah, you never noticed?" Donut replied. "If you ever hold a match it immediately goes out."

Grif shrugged. "I always just thought that was cuz they don't use enough sulfur in them these days. At least, that's what Simmons told me."

The flaming Iowa had been quickly extinguished thanks to the quick work of Priestess, who was generous enough to donate a miracle to the cause.

"Iowa, you do know I have propane, right?" Idaho asked.

"Yeah, I just like seein' the coals glow. looks cool." Iowa said.

Ohio sputtered a bit. "W-What? Then why didn't you just look at them glow in the fireplace you dumbass?! Iowa, you are one fucked up space marine."

"W-wait what do you mean by space?" Priestess asked.

"Oh...shit." Ohio cursed.

"Would this be a bad time to say that we're members of an intergalactic military with superior technology that allows us to travel faster than the speed of light?" Grif said. "And those guys are agents of a secret project that was corrupt?"

"Wait, you knew that we were-" Ohio began, but Idaho interrupted her.

"What do you mean by it was corrupt?"

**Meanwhile:**

Cow Girl stared curiously at the skeleton structure that stood in front of the red barn she had known for all her life. The structure itself, she hadn't known until today. Simmons hummed a tune as he went to work on the bottom, while Sarge had gone to a sort of crows nest that they had welded onto the pole. At the very top hung a massive bowl-like shape with four steel connecters protruding out from the ends of the bowl.

For a second, she feared she would have to convince her uncle again that these people weren't casting a demonic spell and were just trying to find their friends. And then further convincing to confirm that these friends were not demons.

Simmons attempted to give a more logical based argument for why they needed the space, saying that "it was the closest open space to a viable power source", whatever that meant.

Goblin Slayer of course, saw no issue, proposing that the "communications tower" as they called it, would probably spook any goblins close by.

She smiled to herself thinking of her childhood friend. _Of course it was always about the goblins._

"Okay, I hooked up the transistor. Try it again!" Simmons yelled.

Sarge flipped a switch on the control panel. "Nope. Still not working."

"Hmm...maybe if I rewire the cooling…" Simmons mumbled, speaking words that she couldn't even begin to understand.

Cow Girl sighed and closed her eyes, letting the warm breeze run through her hair. Despite it being late in the evening, the blistering summer heat still lingered enough for her to enjoy. She then realized it must be very hot in those suits, and decided to do her job as the self-appointed hostess.

"Would you gentlemen like anything to drink?" She asked.

"Oh, nice cold lemonade maybe?" Simmons replied.

Sarge turned to her. "Huh? Oh. Uh, I guess maybe a beer if you have any."

"Sarge, I don't think being drunk and dealing with high voltage equipment works well." Simmons said.

"Not to drink, numbnuts. I was gonna use the ethanol to clean my tools. What's the ETA this time?" Sarge asked.

"Should just be a moment…" Simmons said, attaching wires to sockets. "Gee, I can't believe we pulled this off without your soldering iron."

"I told you all we had to do was use duct tape!" Sarge exclaimed.

"Yeah...I just hope it doesn't catch fire due to the heat output this is going to create." Simmons said. "Should be finished."

Sarge fired up the lever again. The device hummed to life, and the dish swiveled from left to right.

"Excellent work, Simmons." Sarge said.

"Thanks sir." Simmons replied, basking in the most likely temporary praise from his NCO. "We still need to run the scanner diagnostics so we can narrow the filter to UNSC frequency."

"Right. Run me through it." Sarge said.

"Okay, there should be a red button, two switches, a dial, and a green button." Simmons told him.

"Yep. See em."

"Ok, press the green button."

"Pressing!"

"Good. Now twist the dial until I say to stop."

"Uhh, Simmons, what about the purple button?"

"Purple button? There is no purple button!"

"Then what the-Oh! Heheh! Sorry, Doc."

"Doc?!"

Simmons sidestepped to where he could see his CO and a familiar purple medic.

"Hey Simmons! What's up?" Doc asked.

"When did you get here?" Simmons said.

"Oh, you know, I just saw the big comms tower in the middle of a fantasy wonderland and decided that was where you guys probably were holed up." Doc replied.

"Oh...right. Well. Good to...uh, see you again." Sarge said.

"Thanks."

"Did you happen to meet up with anyone else? Preferably a brown robot? If it's an orange retard you don't have to help him out or anything." Sarge asked.

"Nope, I didn't see Lopez or Grif, if that's what you're asking." Doc said.

"Dammit." Sarge cursed.

"But I did run into some of our friends from Chorus." Doc said. Sarge and Simmons turned to where Doc did, and saw four other familiar non-medics.

"Hey guysh." Jensen greeted.

"Oh hey! It's the mini-me's." Simmons said.

"Mini? Don't call me short!" Palomo exclaimed. "I'll have you know 5'7" is a perfectly acceptable and in certain cases tall height."

"Quiet, shorty!" Sarge barked.

Palomo sighed. "Yes, sir."

"Andersmith, get me a status report!" Sarge said.

"Yes sir." The blue/white soldier replied. "We were cleaning weapons in the armory when the ship crashed. We set up temporary shelter around the surrounding area until we saw your comms tower go up."

"Armory huh? Manage to secure a soldering iron?" Sarge asked.

"Sorry, no." Andersmith replied.

"Dammit."

"But." Jensen began. "We did shecure shome heavy weaponry, including tripod-mounted machine gunsh, rocket launchersh, hell, Bittersh found one of the lasher weaponsh Charon ushed during the war."

"Just want to say," Bitters said. "I called dibs. So...you know...get your own."

"Any vehicles for use?" Sarge asked.

"None that we could bring along. Mostly alien vehicles appropriated from the temple. We were going to bring some back to Earth so they could study it more." Andersmith said.

"Yeah, I heard." Sarge nodded. "In that case, we should probably move our tower over there. Better defenses and also we can secure the alien stuff from any goobers."

"I don't think that's gonna be possible…" Simmons said.

"Why's that? Sarge asked.

"Remember what I said about overheating?" Simmons said.

An alarm sounded from the device. The control panel in front of Sarge started to spark, and the duct tape that held it all together was smouldering.

_WARNING: HEAT CRITICAL! _

_WARNING: HEAT CRITICAL!  
WARNING: HEAT CRITICAL!_

"Uh oh." Sarge said. He noticed Cow Girl come back with a tray, two glasses on top of it. She stopped in her tracks, dumbfounded by the strange voice and noise, as well as the new group of people that just showed up.

"Hey! You! We got an emergency here! Gonna need that beer!" Sarge yelled.

Cow Girl nodded and quickly handed the drink over.

"This'll do it!" Sarge said.

"Won't that make it worse?!" Simmons asked.

"No! Of course not! That's just a myth they push to stop people from driving while intoxicated! Now stand back and watch the professional!" Sarge told him.

Cow Girl only needed to hear the immediate woosh of flames to know how well it worked.

"Ah shit! It made it worse!" Bitters shouted.

"Run away!" Jensen said, as the group backed away from the flame. Which was getting dangerously close to the wheatfields.

"What now Sarge?" Simmons asked in a frightened tone.

"Now, Simmons, you know as well as I do that there is nothing to panic over! The second step any firefighter will tell you to combating a raging inferno, is to attempt to drown the flames by using solid objects. Specifically wood that is dry! That should do it!"

"Shouldn't we use water?" Bitters asked.

"What? No! Water is for sissies! That's the easy way out! You gotta learn, Lieutenant Bitters, that not every problem can be solved with a bucket of water!"

"I think it can, sir." Simmons said quickly. "Specifically with this, and specifically now."

"Nonsense! I got it here in my Kindle!" Sarge dismissed him. "This here is the perfect guide to putting out flames!"

"Um, sir, that's a book on how to start fires." Simmons said.

"Really?" Sarge asked, looking at the device. "Huh. That would explain why it never works."

Cow Girl fought the urge to slap her forehead in complete disbelief.

"Okay, fine, Plan C. Let's go get some water." Sarge said, turning to the cornfields, only to discover that they had been put out by the four Chorus soldiers.

"You guys talk for too fucking long." Bitters scolded.

"Well, mission accomplished. Excellent work Simmons." Sarge said.

"Thank you, sir." Simmons replied without skipping a beat.

"Wait. We put out the fire." Bitters said.

"Oh. Right. Sorry, just not used to praising people in orange armor." Sarge told him.

It was at this moment that Cow Girl noticed the barn door open, and her uncle storm out.

"Oh no." She said.

In that moment for her, she had doubts about which would be hotter. The used-to-be fire, or her uncle's face.

**Meanwhile:**

"Wow...that's...terrible." Priestess could only sum up.

High Elf Archer nodded solemnly, as she processed the sad tale of the Director of Project Freelancer. A man so broken by loss that he himself lost his ability to care about...anything, except getting his wife back.

"Man, I knew something was up with that guy, but I didn't know he was THAT fucked up." Ohio said.

"Hey, the story has a happy ending." Grif replied. "We teamed up and killed him for being an asshole. At least I think that's what happened. They never did tell us…"

"They?" Ohio asked.

"Carolina and Wash."

"Wait a second! Now I remember where I heard your names from! You guys were on the news!" Ohio said. "We saw the special report, but only really took notice of the freelancers listed."

"Yep. We travel with them now." Grif said.

"Cool! It'll be great to see them again. Right guys?" Ohio asked her two "siblings".

"Uhh...will it? I mean, David was cool, but Carolina never really talked to us." Idaho replied.

"Yeah she talked to me once, she told me to stop stuttering like a four-year-old and that was it." Iowa said.

"She's a lot different than now." Grif told them. "More friendly, I guess."

"Hmm...Well, I suppose it should fall on the dwarf of the group to lighten the mood. Since Long Ears has decided to share an elven delicacy, allow me to show you what we dwarves so crave!"

He slammed a large pot woven with handles on the side onto the ground.

"Dwarven fire wine!"

"Oh hell yeah, now we're talking!" Grif said.

"Ah, you sir are a connoisseur of alcoholic delectables as well?" Dwarf Shaman asked gingerly.

"You ever bootchug a Jack Daniels at 4 in the morning, pussy?"

"Haha! A challenge! You should know I don't give in easily!"

Priestess smiled at the exchange.

"It's on, Grandpa Smurf!"

"I'm in on it too!" Iowa said.

"Fire...wine?" High Elf Archer repeated.

"Indeed!" Dwarf Shaman said, handing her a ladle of the stuff. "Surely, Long Ears, you're not such a child, that you've never had wine?"

"Don't patronize me!" High Elf Archer shot back. "Wine's just a lot of grapes, right? I'm not a kid, of course I've…"

She stopped short, for as soon as she drank from the ladle, the strength of the brew overwhelmed her, causing her to collapse.

"A-Are you okay?!" Priestess asked. "Here, some water!"

"Haha! Fucking rookie!" Grif teased.

"Ahh, the folly of youth!" Dwarf Shaman chuckled.

Ohio took a sip. "Whoowee! That's like, vodka on steroids! You sure about this, Grif?"

"Here, try some." Dwarf Shaman beckoned to Goblin Slayer.

The armored warrior took a sip from the ladle, shrugging it off.

"Oh-ho! A drinker!" Dwarf Shaman said.

The night continued on. Grif and Dwarf Shaman, along with Iowa began their little competition, while Idaho, with supervision from Ohio, flipped some meat patties. High Elf Archer meanwhile blabbered to herself in drunken thoughtlessness, while Goblin Slayer sat in silence.

"Orcbolg! What you been doing alllllll meal?" High Elf Archer slurred out.

"Cleaning my equipment. If you don't, you may die." Goblin Slayer replied.

"Why dontcha ever take off your helmet?!"

"To prevent being knocked unconscious in an ambush."

"Well you better share something with us too!" High Elf Archer said angrily.

Goblin Slayer paused, unwrapping a cloth that revealed a wheel of cheese.

"Eyy, urp! A good ol' Motts! Hahahaha!" Grif said, bursting into tears laughing. He too was drunk at this point.

"Oh-ho, what's thi-" Lizard Priest began.

"Cheese! The good stuff!" High Elf Archer remarked. "What did you mean by motts, Grif?"

"That's what I said. Motts. Mozzarella cheese baby." Grif said.

"Cheese?" Lizard Priest asked.

"Hmm, well acquainted are you Grif? Perhaps you could explain to Scaly, then?" Dwarf Shaman said.

"Okay. Scaly, I want you to imagine the best, most delicious goddamn thing you ever tasted…" Grif began.

"I see…" Lizard Priest followed.

"...And know that it would taste 10 times better if it had cheese on it." Grif said.

"So it's a...condiment?" Lizard Priest asked.

"No, no, no, no, **no, **my young Padawan." Grif corrected. "Cheese is more than a condiment. It's a way of life."

Priestess stifled a laugh.

"Hah! If you are so acquainted with cuisine, perhaps you've some for us to gawk at?" Dwarf Shaman asked the orange fatty.

"Shit." Grif cursed. "Donut, help me out here. I need the most American thing you've got."

"You want me to argue with you about politics?" Donut asked.

"What? No! Dude, I meant food." Grif said.

"Oh, right." Donut replied. "I got you covered. With uh...Tostitos?"

"Hmm, I'm looking for something a little more on the 'bigger means better' side." Grif said.

"I'll look some more, but I can't guarantee it'll give you instant diabetes." Donut told him. "Oreos?"

"Now you're talking my language!"

"Or-eao?" High Elf Archer asked. "What's that?"

"It's a cookie!" Donut explained. "It's got a nice, sweet cream in the middle."

"Yeah, Donut knows what he's talking about." Grif said.

"Nice and white and creamy."

"Okay, thank you Donut."

"Squirted right in there!"

"Donut!"

**To be continued...**


End file.
